Ok so I am making this thread for 3 reasons:
1) I love this forum, it has been a large part of my life, for the last 8 years, which is 40% of my entire life and I will always have a huge love for this place
2) The 'realisation moment' I have just had is so powerful I wanted to share it with someone, and it's gonna take more than 140 characters so I cant tweet it
3) I've just snorted exactly 5 grams (£200, $312) of cocaine by myself in my room in the last 7 hours and 48 minutes and if you have used cocaine before you will know it makes you think everybody wants to listen to what you have to say when in fact they probably don't.
Anyway, hope you're ready for a life story. When I was 17 I first tried cocaine. I thought it was shit. But for some reason, cos it was 'cool' and the dick heads I hung around with did it, I kept doing it and eventually found ways to enjoy it and really started to like it. I would dabble in the odd half gram (£20, $31) and it wasnt an issue. I then started hanging around with a lad named Ollie who fucking loved the stuff. We had a lot in common and both found that we had a great time buying a couple of grams (£80, $125) and getting pissed up and doing mad shit. This was when I was 18 in 2010, and slowly but surely I started prioritising getting coked up with Ollie above my girlfriend... To the point where my girlfriend came to stay at my flat so we could chill, then Ollie text me, so I told Annie I was going to the shop, when actually I jumped in Ollie's car and we went to get some coke. My phone rang Annie in my pocket and she overheard me and Ollie discussing how much we wanted to get etc.
Annie left me. I begged and pleaded, and eventually she agreed to take me back if I stopped doing coke, and I did. That was October 2010. I also changed my number so Ollie couldn't contact me. It went really well and as some of you may know, we had a baby. Her name is Summer and she's now a year old. We moved in together and I got my priorities back, worked hard, paid rent, bought nice things.
Me and Annie broke up in December 2011. For new years eve me and my best friend went to a house party where we bumped into a drug dealer called Fat Danny (pics available on request if you wanna see why he is called Fat Danny). He told me I could have a half a gram for free. I thought great, fuck it, no more Annie, why not. However Fat Danny knew what he was doing, he knew I would be back...
January 23rd 2012. My old man passed away. I got no girl, no Dad, and Annies making it hard to see my daughter. I became depressed and that weekend I hooked up with Ollie and we went to a local hotel to chill where we bumped into a drug dealer called Tim. Now Tim is the sort of guy that sells Coke by the KG. He has so much coke kicking around that the odd gram means nothing to him. He invited us to a party in his hotel room and Tim gave us a shit load of free coke. We snorted from 9pm to 11am next morning. And so it was back. I was hooked again and doing it in a lot larger quantities. I had a better job so I had more money, so I would buy more.
It went quickly from an occasional thing to once a week, twice a week, and now it's nearly every day. In my coked up state and having no money, I decided to start dealing, thinking that way I could snort my profit and it wont effect my bank balance. I would buy a quarter of an ounce for £300 ($469) and split it to 11 'dots' weighing 0.6 grams and sell them for £40. meaning I make £140 profit ($218). Seemed like a great idea. However, I didnt have a market, so I used to get bored of having coke sitting around so I would snort it all. Last weekend I sat in my room by myself and snorted 7 grams (£280, $437)... My Mum knew what I was doing so I offered to move out. Went to the very hotel where I met Tim and sat there and snorted 9 grams to myself.
To make it worse, the guy I was buying off would ask me to take his risks and he would knock money off the cost of the drugs. I sat on a train to Peterborough with 6 ounces of coke in my boxers. Shat bricks everytime I saw the Police. I was in deep.
I went to a drug help place today where the guy looked in my nose. He said if I carried on, it wont be long till the top of my septum (bit that separates nostrils) would fall out. It scared the shit out of me. This afternoon I sat in my room craving and bought some coke. I've got one line worth left and my nose is fucking killing me. It twitches randomly. And the thought of my septum going is so fucking scary. I google image searched people who have a missing septum, and let me put it this way, it's enough to scare someone who sits and bangs 9 grams up their nose into wanting to stop.
As I had nowhere to stay Annie took me in. For two days I felt like I did when we lived together before. Waking up, seeing my baby smile, having someone to cuddle at night. I didnt crave coke while I was there. I realised what I have lost and I am determined to get it back...
When I next see my drug help guy I will tell him this... If you ever thought coke was cool or great, I hope this has changed your mind. I am £2200 ($3441) in debt cos of it all. I have no girlfriend.
Coke is not cool.
Im not asking for sympathy, just wanted to share. Wish me luck in my quest to quit. Gonna bang this last line up my nose, smoke a cigarette and try to sleep. Have a good day